Catch a lost one...

Sometimes I feel like I wanna catch a lost bullet to the head. Just end it right there. No decisions, no apologies, no time to question or think about anything. It just to happen very much as one flips a switch and the light turns off.

Just make it randomly, quickly, painlessly and thoughtlessly. So that it is not my fault but fate alone.

I will never understand women!

I swear to God, I will never ever understand women. I met this gorgeous redhead about ten days ago at a bar in downtown. Beautiful, great attitude and energy, interesting sexy... a real catch. We went out twice after that, once I invited her to dinner and once she invited me to a concert -The Hotel Cafe Tour- I loved it. This was last Sunday, two days ago.

Today, on Tuesday, I took her to one of the best concerts of my life. Eddie Vedder solo in San Diego. The concert was amazing but all of a sudden, after two great dates including one where we made out extremely sweetly in her couch, now she gives me the cold shoulder.

I just don't get it. I thought it was all going so great, that I had met this wonderful new woman that I'd be proud to have around but... she got bored the third time around during the best concert I could take her to?

I just don't get women. I know she won't want to go out again, I just don't get why, and me, with my curious nature, am dying to know.

In the words of Freddy Mercury "The Show Must Go On".

Feeling 50/50

When I say 50/50 it's because I have split my life into two parts: the professional and the personal. I am still looking for a job and that is proving very hard to find. The personal, well, last week I met a beautiful redhead with interesting green/gray eyes. Not only is she beautiful, she is sweet, caring and affectionate.

We have yet to see where this goes, if anywhere at all (I hope it does), but I can say one thing, she's a hell of a kisser.

She invited me tonight to a concert, a fantastic concert presented by KCRW called The Hotel Cafe Tour. It was us two and her best friend. We had a good time and I learned about all these great artists I had never even heard of.

Also, in two days, I'm taking her to a concert, Eddie Vedder solo in concert in San Diego. Looking forward to it.

Kicked in the balls... while I'm down

So it's her birthday today, and I debate on whether or not I should call her. I kept telling myself I wouldn't, for days I debated the issue with myself. Then I call my best friend to ask for his advice. I wish I hadn't.

Called her up... her life is perfect while mine's shit. Emotionally at least.

She got into Columbia and USC, and even got her scholarship at USC but that won't make her come. I feel like she spat in my face and didn't even care about it.

Sometimes I feel suicidal... like today.

I don't think I'd ever do it, but I constantly think about it, just ending it. Then I think of my mother and how I'd devastate her. I sometimes think my mother is the only reason I'm still alive. She better not go before me or my reasons will grow thin quick.

Depressed...

I think I've been clinically depressed for the past three months. Mariana broke up with me and haven't gotten over it. I recently wrote her, after having not talked or communicated in any way, telling her how I still loved her, missed her, dreamed of her; and she replied with the harshest letter pretty much saying how I should just forget about the possibility of us ever being back together. And I think she means it.

I think I played this situation completely wrong from the get go.

How in the hell am I ever going to find someone like her again? She just had too many great qualities and too few faults. Or am I supposed to settle for less?

God, how I want to feel better again. How I need to feel better again.

Self-destruction...

I have for years wondered why I feel so self-destructive, I cannot understand this. Even since I was a kid, if my mom sent me to my room I would go in rage and start smashing my own things only to later regret having broken something dear to me. Like it wasn't enough my mom would punish me, I would punish myself as well.

But this is not the real for of self-destruction I question. No, the real one is much worse. Self-sabotage. As explained in Wikipedia:

Self-destructive behavior may be used as a coping mechanism, when things get 'too much'. For example, faced with a pressing scholastic assessment, someone may choose to sabotage their work rather than cope with the stress. This would make submission of (or passing) the assessment impossible, but remove the worry associated with it.

The thing is that I tend to sabotage my own success, my own progress. Am I afraid to fail, or is it fear to succeed? I have always wanted to ask this to a psychologist or psychiatrist. Maybe they could help me understand it and get over this weird feeling/state I'm in and I don't want a part of.

For example: procrastination, possibly my worst form of self-destruction. I will look for any excuse to stray away from what I know I should do --- like right now, I'm writing this post instead of working on my script, even when I have it next to me. (In all fairness I have been working on it straight for about two hours, and even though my mom denies it, I feel like I have a bit of ADD. And why not, she, my kid brother and my uncle all have it, why can't I?).

Well, gotta go to the restroom now, and back to the script... which I feel is coming along nicely. Not a classic by any means, but not to shabby for a first feature.

Love the snow!...

I went snowboarding yesterday at Big Bear Mountain and even though the day didn't start of well (i was involved in a 3 car accident - icy roads are a bitch) I had a blast on the mountain. Big Bear is essentially a snowboard park filled with great jumps, boxes, rails, two half pipes and other things that are extremely fun to ride.

I also performed much better than I expected on the rides and only have a soar right wrist now (I'm getting a pair of wrist guards before I go again, man does it hurt, but it was worth it). So I'm feeling fantastic and can't wait to hit the snow again - I just hope I don't hit a car next time...

Simple enough...

Yes, you can find a lot of people like these everywhere... and I've met a ton in L.A. -- So what does this say about men and women? Men are simple, dumb, creatures with animalistic instincts that need to procreate. Women (not all) can be opportunistic, cynic, and machiavellic creatures that can jump on anything just for their own interest and profit.

Ohhhh a week...

Bad me... A week without a post. Well lately I've been kinda busy and feelling great. I finished my current draft of my script, been going to the gym, got some very minor gigs and also had a friend staying over at my place since he just moved to L.A. and needed a place to crash until he could get his own place set.

Of course my own privacy and productivity has gone down since he arrived on Monday, but it's been nice to have someone around to hang out with and have a nice conversation.

After three weeks my ankle is finally starting to feel better, but still not quite recuperated. Hopefully that won't get worse after this Sunday when I plan on going snowboarding with some friends.

For some I feel one way for some...

Doesn't everyone feel one way or the other every once in a while?

Sex...

Sex, what a wonderful activity it can be. Too bad it usually can't last longer than an hour or so. I used to really like doing it with girls that had little to no experience because they would look at me like a master, a god of sorts; but actually not anymore. It got to the point where I felt bored and even annoyed to have to be the teacher. I got to feel that I wanted to be the student.

Now, I'm not saying that I'm a master of ANY sorts, but I obviously have more experience than a virgin or novice. I got to the point of wanting to go out with older or perhaps just more experienced women. Especially after having dated two girls that could never experience orgasms during intercourse, they could only come when masturbating, only thru the clit.

How fun is that? The answer is: Not at all.

I am free from that for now, and hopefully for ever... I need to go to bed... to tired and sleepy to keep on no matter how hard I try... this post makes no sense...

Procrastination...

Procrastination is a type of behavior which is characterized by deferment of actions or tasks to a later time. Psychologists often cite procrastination as a mechanism for coping with the anxiety associated with starting or completing any task or decision.

For the person procrastinating this may result in stress, a sense of guilt, the loss of personal productivity, the creation of crisis and the disapproval of others for not fulfilling one's responsibilities or commitments. While it is normal for individuals to procrastinate to some degree, it becomes a problem when it impedes normal functioning. Chronic procrastination may be a sign of an underlying psychological or physiological disorder.

Source: Wiki


So why do I fuck myself this way and what are my psychological problems that keep me from doing what's important.

I must make some sort of a reward system for myself. If I only had a girl to threaten me with no sex until I get shit done... Note to self: need to find a girl, and one that lives within a 10 mile radius from me!

Somewhere else...

Sorry, I just had to...

From someecards

Tired of the PC bullshit...

Does anybody else think that the Political Correctness in this country is going way too far?

I mean, it's getting to the point of being ridiculous. As a white hispanic man I have to accept being called "white" or "cracker" or"spic" by a black man. But I go ahead and not specifically say "African American" and most (not all, I can't generalize, but a lot of them) get insulted. But they, within their community call each other niggers?

I mean, look at this asshole:
http://on221.com/2008/02/11/nas-wears-nigger-shirt-to-grammy-awards/

I really don't know who Nas is, and I honestly don't give a rats ass. But come on! Why can they call each other that but if we say it it's so wrong? Why can they call us crackers and feel wronged when called niggas?

I remember once, while getting my MFA in film, I was in screenwriting class and this black classmate brought in his script to do a class reading. So it's all about gangs, and strippers and ho's, and that's fine by me, by all means do a movie about whatever you want. So we sit there and we all get parts assigned to read out loud, all assigned by him, the writer of the piece.

So I get my part and I read it verbatim, and yes you guessed right, my character had to say "nigga" and so I said it. Well, this asshole tried to chew me a new one because I, a white man, said the word "nigga". "Well motherfucka', you wrote the damn word in your own script! What am I supposed to do?", is what I said. So you know what everybody else in the class started doing? They replaced the text, every time the word "nigga" came up they changed it for "ninja".

Sorry, but fuck that.

I refused to do that, and that was the last time he assigned me a part that had that word in it.

Changing stories but not subject. So now we, and by "we" I mean all of humanity, are not supposed to talk about the years Before Christ -B.C. (i.e. the Greeks did this or that in the year 47 B.C.) or Anno Domini -A.D. (Latin for the year of the Lord) --- No... we are now supposed to talk about them as B.C.E. and C.E. (Before Common Era and Common Era respectively). Give me a break, so you're not Catholic and therefore cannot say B.C. or A.D.? So what? Whether you like it or not the Gregorian calendar which is what most of the planet uses is based on the supposed year of Jesus Christ's birth. Don't believe that J.C. is the son of God, that's fine, you don't have to, but at least acknowledge that the dude existed and was in fact an influential person. (I have to say for the sake of making my case stronger, that I am agnostic but I do believe the dude was here and was important --- to me Jesus Christ is the first true hippie, a great man, not a god or the son of one --- and I have no problem into sticking to the truth, this is the year 2008 A.D. because that dude was supposedly born 2008 years ago).

So why are we here, at a point where Political Correctness is ruling how we talk, behave and even think? I don't know, I don't have the answers, but sometimes I feel it's because most people lack the balls to say and think freely and would much rather avoid any type of confrontation. Kinda' sad...

In pain...

My fat right ankle after soccer last Sunday... Hurting like a mofo.

What can I do...

What can I do when I feel this unbearable feeling of loneliness, of abandonment. That fact that she has shown no interest of speaking to me for the past ten days or so has proven to be tougher than I expected.

Has she really no interest? Is it possible that she found someone else? Or is it possible that she's doing this for my own good? I will probably never know.

Well... at any rate, I must move on. I have met someone myself. Someone rather interesting and refreshing. I don't really want anything serious right at this moment in my life, but I can say that I at least have a good time with her and truly enjoy her company. So is it serious? No, don't think so, I don't think either one of us wants something serious at the moment. I am just going to enjoy it and see where it goes from here...

Lost...

I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know where I'm going, and I don't know how or when I am going to get there.

I feel lost and alone in a world full of people that don't seem to be in the same plane of existence as myself.

I am afraid of what the future holds from me, but more so, of what it won't.

Hummm...

Well, she can shove it. I'm tired of this situation for now. Maybe in the future once she's done with school and moves to the States out from under her father's wings, whether it's to NY or LA, maybe then I'll give it another shot. Actually, most likely then. But as of right now, I'm sick of it. She wants me around as a "friend" only to know she has me? Well, screw that! I love her, but I feel I have to love myself as well.

On the other fronts, I started writing my script again and it's going beyond my expectations, so I hope not to start fucking that up. The gym is good as well and just five minutes ago I paid for one of those meal delivery services to try it out. Kinda got tired of the old ham & cheese sandwiches and Campbell's Tomato Soups. They're good but not good enough to have every day. Also, I hope these meals help keeping me healthy and also loose those 17 extra lbs I got around the belly. Isn't that the trick? Diet and exercise? I'll keep it posted here if it works. Right now I'm at 187 lbs and 19 BMI (I'm 5'10" so my ideal weight goal would be around 170 lbs. or 12 BMI).

Gotta get outta here and write my script!

Beat...

If only that assert command would work...

She seems completely over me, and I completely beat. If I only knew then what I know now...

hffff... Mari, if you knew how much I love you and how bad I feel about how it all has turned out.


I miss you my squirrel...

It'll be okay...

Again, from xkcd.com

Lingering question...

Again from xkcd.com

Breaking free...

I feel like I'm breaking free from a jail I've been in for the past three years or so. This is the jail of loneliness, the jail of not having a real group of friends with whom I can hang out with. A jail that has made me stronger, that has taught me that I can be alone and survive, but also a jail that has made me more of a recluse, of a person who doesn't need others and actually doesn't really want others. Someone who I'm not.

Back home I always hung out with a bunch of people, the typical group of six or ten high school friends. I moved to Miami and I slowly started changing. I had a group but not as tight as the previous one. And that could only go downhill when I moved to Kansas, Fucking Kansas with a capital F.

Kansas City left me friendless. For a year and a half only one person I could truly call a friend but then again he was married and had two kids, so a bit of a different lifestyle that didn't help much.

So now, out in LA and out of school. I feel for the first time in years I'm breaking out of prison. I am once again starting to become the social person I had been in the past. Yet the anti-social is still in. I still feel the need to be alone, a feeling I force myself to battle, a feeling I can understand and sometimes appreciate but not necessarily want to embrace.

I am not yet the "I" I want to be, but I'm starting to move in that direction.

Lost a friend, gained another...

So, yes, Scientology is evil and I have experienced it first hand.

I had these friends, a couple, whom I had been working with for some months and we developed a nice friendship. I really enjoyed hanging out and working with them. Then, about two weeks ago, we were working way out in Lake Arrowhead, and when we went to have lunch, I learned that they are Scientologists.

At first I thought they were pulling my leg. I honestly did, but they weren't. So he, my real friend of the two, wanted to talk about it with me. He wanted to debate on Scientology, explain to me how LRH magically unlocked the secrets of the universe and life. Give me a fucking break.

So we talked about it for about an hour or so, and since neither of us had any source material to back up our statements we decided to keep the debate going later on. So a couple of nights later, I gathered some info, various site links and a ton of Scientology's internal documents that had been leaked by Anonymous (the hacker group) and send them to him with a note I wrote explaining how there really wasn't a point in debating but if he really wanted to learn about his religion he should read those documents.

I haven't heard from him since.

I sent him another email asking if we were OK, sent him a cell phone text message and even called him but never got a response, positive or negative. I was just totally ignored.

The funny thing is how he had preached to me that the best thing about Scientology, the main thing they teach people there is of the importance of communication. Well...? WTF happened then? After three years he's been in the "Church" of Scientology he has still not learned that principal, that which he preached to me? Or is it that it only applies when communicating to another Scientologist? What about forgiveness? Do they not teach forgiveness in Scientology?

I mean HE WANTED TO DEBATE ON IT, and so I did turn in my argument and after that he never wanted to speak or write to me ever again.

I lost a friend because of Scientology.

But I gained another one today, and a friendship I know will last because he's NOT a Scientologist.

Addicted...

I feel like I sometimes sabotage myself. The TV (aka "The Devil") sucks me in with "24" and I can't get away. I've seen 12 episodes of the sixth season in two days, I'm addicted and I need help, I know it. But there's no one here to help me... so I guess I'll just have to finish the remaining 12 episodes to be able to keep going with my normal life.

And yes, Chuck is a pussy next to Jack.



Somebody help me...

Tired...

God I feel tired today. It must be all this excercising that my body is not used to yet. But my eyes have been closing on me since about 5:30pm. Maybe it's the fact that I only slept about five hours last night. I don't know.

But in reality it's not only physically that I feel tired right now. I feel tired with life. My career is at a standstill right now and perhaps I'm a little scared with that. It's an extremely tough and ruthless industry that I have embarked on. Let's see how long I'll last. Hopefully successfully until my last day on earth, which hopefully is many decades away.

I just wanna get my first feature of the ground and not fuck it up. That's what I'm really tired about, tired of feeling scared of success and failure. Of feeling afraid to not live up to my own standards.

And fear cripples people. I can't let it cripple me. I won't let it cripple me.

Severe pain...

My body is in severe pain... Yesterday was my first day with a trainer at the gym. I normally hate gyms but since one of my resolutions for this year was to get fit I think the idea of actually using a gym as opposed to only playing racquetball, might be a good one. The main reason why I need a trainer is because I have no clue of how to use gym equipment to my advantage. I did not know about the number of reps and weight to put on or the speed at which to do said reps. Another reason why I'm paying for a trainer is so that I force myself to not waste that money and actually go to the gym.

Well, I hope it works and doesn't kill me in the process. I guess what I feel now is what I usually call the "good pain", but it's too good right now. Hell, I feel like my body just gave up on me. My arms are completely tired, my pecs hurt if I look at them, and my back is screaming at me: "Stupid! Don't you ever do that to me again!"

I just have to ignore my body's screams because I know it will be good for it in the long run. I just hope I have the stamina for such a run.

Happy and Proud...

I have to say that I, for the first time in a while, feel proud of human kind. An interesting hacker group who call themselves Anonymous has declared war on a "religion" I don't particularly like. I quote that word because I don't even think they should call themselves a religion since they don't believe in any particular god or deity.

According to the New Oxford American Dictionary, the definition of religion is:

religion |riˈlijən|
noun
the belief in and worship of a superhuman controlling power, esp. a personal God or gods.

Well, they believe in Thetans, souls from another galaxy. So is it that belief that makes them a religion?

The saddest part is that lately I've spoken to many Scientologists (there I said it, that's the "religion" I've been referring to), but they are clueless to the ideas that base their belief system. As put by some, it is a "bait and switch" tactic. The "Church" of Scientology (damn I'm liking the use of quotation marks in this post) doesn't profess their belief on Lord Xenu and all that, they sucker people in, wait until they have invested way to many years and thousands and thousands of dollars, and then they reveal the truth. Their truth that is, not mine. Their truth the human souls come from distant stars, got here on ships that look like DC8's and were thrown in a volcano.

Granted, most if not all religions have "interesting" ideas like this one. But to believe all of this from a science fiction writer, and a poor one at that, is just too much for me to swallow.

I guess this post does it, I could be in their eyes labeled as an SP, a suppressive person.

This is the message from Anonymous:

Pumped...

I am excited. As most people, when the new year begins one makes resolutions to keep for the year. These are my main two:

1) Get fit! Yesterday I joined a program at my local gym, so not only am I paying for the membership to such gym but I am also paying for a trainer to set up a routine for me. I guess since I'm kinda broke, having spent this money may motivate me towards actually achieving my goals to loose at least 15 lbs.

2) WRITE! I feel like I procrastinate too much on this. So I started this last Monday, waking up really early to go to the Starbucks around the corner to write my script. The reason for going to Starbucks as opposed to staying at home or the other cafe around here (which is definitely better than Starbucks) is that I can't access the internet there, I could if I paid, but I refuse to pay for it. This way I reduce the amount of things that can distract me from my goals.

Two main new years resolutions. How long will they last?

Lonely...

Even though I know my family is just a ring away... even though they call me every single day... I can't help but feel lonely out here in L.A.

I hope this WGA strike ends soon so that people can get back to work... I need a job soon.

Today I went rollerblading at Santa Monica and Venice Beach, and although it was raining it felt great, but not so much the huge blister I now have on my right foot.

Todays comic by Sinfest

I'm not Crying...

So, you’re leaving, aren’t you?
I knew it when you said just then when you told me you were leaving
That’s when I definitely knew
But if you’re trying to break my heart
Your plan is flawed from the start
You can’t break my heart, it’s liquid
It melted when I met you
And as you turn around to leave
Don’t turn back to me
Don’t turn around and see if I’m crying
I’m not crying

I’m not crying
It’s just been raining
on my face
And if you think you see some tear tracks down my cheeks
Please, please, don’t tell my mates

I’m not crying
No, I’m not crying
And if I am crying
It’s not because of you
It’s because I’m thinking about a friend of mine who you don’t know who is dying
That’s right, dying

These aren’t tears of sadness because you’re leaving me
I’ve just been cutting onions
I’m making a lasagna
For one
Oh, I’m not crying
Nooo...

There’s just a little bit of dust in my eye
That’s from the path that you made when you said your goodbye
I’m not weeping because you won’t be here to hold my hand
For your information there’s an inflammation in my tear gland
I’m not upset because you left me this way
My eyes are just a little sweaty today
They’ve been looking around
They’re like searching for you
They’ve been looking for you
Even though I told them not to
These aren’t tears of sadness
They’re tears of joy
I’m just laughing
Ha ha ha-ha ha...

I'm sitting at this table called love
Staring down at the irony of life
How come we’ve reached this fork in the road
And yet it cuts like a knife?

I’m not crying
I’m not crying
I’m not cry-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-ing

Video from HBO & the BEST parody folk duo from New Zealand, the Flight of the Conchords.

Scared...

I feel a bit scared and in awe by the ability and gullibility of some people to believe pretty much anything you can tell them.

I was born without religion as all people are, but raised catholic. Well the older I get, the more scientific and logical I get with age, the more I shun away from all religions. Religion in my eyes, is a good idea fucked up by men. Hence, not good thing anymore.

But even though I feel this way, that it can be a good idea to begin with, I can't understand how some people can fall for a religion invented by a science fiction writer just fifty or so years ago. Really? Is it just that these people have weaker minds? That they have tried every other religion but none have worked? That they truly need a religion, any religion, to feel happy or fulfilled, or complete in life?

Maybe it's a phase in my life, but most likely not. I feel I'm pretty much done with religion.




"All religion is simply evolved out of fraud, fear, greed, imagination, and poetry."
Edgar Allan Poe

And Ironically, this is Einstein's quote of the day: "There remains something subtle, intangible and inexplicable. Veneration for this force beyond anything that we can comprehend is my religion."

I feel accomplished...

I feel accomplished because today I managed to teach my dad several things about the web, including chatting! So now he doesn't have to call me every other minute for the littlest thing! I swear it was getting to be a little annoying, I got the feeling that he was doing it purposely too, I don't know. And maybe someday I will regret ever feeling this way, but now it has increased our work productivity immensely so it is way worth it.

Now, if could only get my mom to learn to chat... hummm sounds like a project. Although it would perhaps be for the opposite effect. I don't talk to her as often. I miss my mom. Yeah, some women are worth having around, but they're still all crazy.

Or so I hope...

Today, dear Randall Munroe said it best with his xkcd comic titled "To Be Wanted"


Apparently we're hoping for the same thing my friend. Thanks for all your comics Randall.

Can anyone REALLY understand them? REALLY?...

I mean, really?

From: http://pichaus.com/badboy-cartoon-bvt@

I want to tear myself out of my skin...

I feel desperate and hopeless just because she didn't contact me in any way throughout the entire day. Could I have lost her forever? The girl that's silly and entertaining on command?

Comic by xkcd.com

Inspired...

I woke up this morning and found this through reddit.com, makes me feel inspired...

Appropriate...

For some reason this feels appropriate now...

Comic from Simulated Comic Product: http://simulatedcomicproduct.com

Hummm... Feeling a bit better today...

It is a new day, maybe a new beginning.  Of what, I don't yet know.  The sun is out and it's a glorious day. 

I spoke to her last night.  For the first time in about a week.  It felt good at times, horrible at others.  But now I feel like there truly is hope; that we'll be together again someday in the not so distant future.  She, of whom I write, is the woman that is even better than the one in my dreams.  A beautiful and sexy little thing I miss dearly but one I will not forget or let get away.  For now maybe, but not for ever.  I just don't see my life with anyone else.  

Some people may think that's a naïve statement, but the fact is that I've dated around quit a bit to know that I had never had a relationship like the one that just ended.  Distance is a bitch, isn't it?  Well I have my heart broken before and I have survived, but I just don't feel like looking for another one anymore.  I feel complete now.  I feel deep inside that I found her.  She might not be perfect, but she's perfect for me.

I love you M.A.C.

Yes... A long day...

Of course, as most people when they start a new year, I feel fat.  So, since I really don't want to be at home right now, I decided to go to do some yoga at my local gym, try and feel a little better.

But I couldn't.

I wrote a letter to this girl, this girl that's broken my heart, a two page letter that I sent to her some days ago.  And still I get no reply.  So I'm in the yoga class, ready to begin, and as we're doing our meditation I can't help but feel extremely depressed.  You see, I learned yoga with her and her family and there I was doing it alone, alone and without her there even emotionally.  She left.  I fought hard to hold my tears in, I fought hard to hold my feelings in and not cry in front of everyone.  I barely did it.  I left the class feeling worse than when I went in.

I hope some day soon I will not feel this way again and start being able to post about the good feelings I can have.

i feel now...

i feel like it's gonna be a long day...

I feel...

I feel like I have been abandoned by the one I love the most...

I feel like she doesn't even care anymore...

I feel like it is all my fault...

I feel very alone...

I feel sad...

I feel...