Depressed...

I think I've been clinically depressed for the past three months. Mariana broke up with me and haven't gotten over it. I recently wrote her, after having not talked or communicated in any way, telling her how I still loved her, missed her, dreamed of her; and she replied with the harshest letter pretty much saying how I should just forget about the possibility of us ever being back together. And I think she means it.

I think I played this situation completely wrong from the get go.

How in the hell am I ever going to find someone like her again? She just had too many great qualities and too few faults. Or am I supposed to settle for less?

God, how I want to feel better again. How I need to feel better again.

Self-destruction...

I have for years wondered why I feel so self-destructive, I cannot understand this. Even since I was a kid, if my mom sent me to my room I would go in rage and start smashing my own things only to later regret having broken something dear to me. Like it wasn't enough my mom would punish me, I would punish myself as well.

But this is not the real for of self-destruction I question. No, the real one is much worse. Self-sabotage. As explained in Wikipedia:

Self-destructive behavior may be used as a coping mechanism, when things get 'too much'. For example, faced with a pressing scholastic assessment, someone may choose to sabotage their work rather than cope with the stress. This would make submission of (or passing) the assessment impossible, but remove the worry associated with it.

The thing is that I tend to sabotage my own success, my own progress. Am I afraid to fail, or is it fear to succeed? I have always wanted to ask this to a psychologist or psychiatrist. Maybe they could help me understand it and get over this weird feeling/state I'm in and I don't want a part of.

For example: procrastination, possibly my worst form of self-destruction. I will look for any excuse to stray away from what I know I should do --- like right now, I'm writing this post instead of working on my script, even when I have it next to me. (In all fairness I have been working on it straight for about two hours, and even though my mom denies it, I feel like I have a bit of ADD. And why not, she, my kid brother and my uncle all have it, why can't I?).

Well, gotta go to the restroom now, and back to the script... which I feel is coming along nicely. Not a classic by any means, but not to shabby for a first feature.

Love the snow!...

I went snowboarding yesterday at Big Bear Mountain and even though the day didn't start of well (i was involved in a 3 car accident - icy roads are a bitch) I had a blast on the mountain. Big Bear is essentially a snowboard park filled with great jumps, boxes, rails, two half pipes and other things that are extremely fun to ride.

I also performed much better than I expected on the rides and only have a soar right wrist now (I'm getting a pair of wrist guards before I go again, man does it hurt, but it was worth it). So I'm feeling fantastic and can't wait to hit the snow again - I just hope I don't hit a car next time...

Simple enough...

Yes, you can find a lot of people like these everywhere... and I've met a ton in L.A. -- So what does this say about men and women? Men are simple, dumb, creatures with animalistic instincts that need to procreate. Women (not all) can be opportunistic, cynic, and machiavellic creatures that can jump on anything just for their own interest and profit.