Catch a lost one...

Sometimes I feel like I wanna catch a lost bullet to the head. Just end it right there. No decisions, no apologies, no time to question or think about anything. It just to happen very much as one flips a switch and the light turns off.

Just make it randomly, quickly, painlessly and thoughtlessly. So that it is not my fault but fate alone.

I will never understand women!

I swear to God, I will never ever understand women. I met this gorgeous redhead about ten days ago at a bar in downtown. Beautiful, great attitude and energy, interesting sexy... a real catch. We went out twice after that, once I invited her to dinner and once she invited me to a concert -The Hotel Cafe Tour- I loved it. This was last Sunday, two days ago.

Today, on Tuesday, I took her to one of the best concerts of my life. Eddie Vedder solo in San Diego. The concert was amazing but all of a sudden, after two great dates including one where we made out extremely sweetly in her couch, now she gives me the cold shoulder.

I just don't get it. I thought it was all going so great, that I had met this wonderful new woman that I'd be proud to have around but... she got bored the third time around during the best concert I could take her to?

I just don't get women. I know she won't want to go out again, I just don't get why, and me, with my curious nature, am dying to know.

In the words of Freddy Mercury "The Show Must Go On".

Feeling 50/50

When I say 50/50 it's because I have split my life into two parts: the professional and the personal. I am still looking for a job and that is proving very hard to find. The personal, well, last week I met a beautiful redhead with interesting green/gray eyes. Not only is she beautiful, she is sweet, caring and affectionate.

We have yet to see where this goes, if anywhere at all (I hope it does), but I can say one thing, she's a hell of a kisser.

She invited me tonight to a concert, a fantastic concert presented by KCRW called The Hotel Cafe Tour. It was us two and her best friend. We had a good time and I learned about all these great artists I had never even heard of.

Also, in two days, I'm taking her to a concert, Eddie Vedder solo in concert in San Diego. Looking forward to it.

Kicked in the balls... while I'm down

So it's her birthday today, and I debate on whether or not I should call her. I kept telling myself I wouldn't, for days I debated the issue with myself. Then I call my best friend to ask for his advice. I wish I hadn't.

Called her up... her life is perfect while mine's shit. Emotionally at least.

She got into Columbia and USC, and even got her scholarship at USC but that won't make her come. I feel like she spat in my face and didn't even care about it.

Sometimes I feel suicidal... like today.

I don't think I'd ever do it, but I constantly think about it, just ending it. Then I think of my mother and how I'd devastate her. I sometimes think my mother is the only reason I'm still alive. She better not go before me or my reasons will grow thin quick.

Depressed...

I think I've been clinically depressed for the past three months. Mariana broke up with me and haven't gotten over it. I recently wrote her, after having not talked or communicated in any way, telling her how I still loved her, missed her, dreamed of her; and she replied with the harshest letter pretty much saying how I should just forget about the possibility of us ever being back together. And I think she means it.

I think I played this situation completely wrong from the get go.

How in the hell am I ever going to find someone like her again? She just had too many great qualities and too few faults. Or am I supposed to settle for less?

God, how I want to feel better again. How I need to feel better again.

Self-destruction...

I have for years wondered why I feel so self-destructive, I cannot understand this. Even since I was a kid, if my mom sent me to my room I would go in rage and start smashing my own things only to later regret having broken something dear to me. Like it wasn't enough my mom would punish me, I would punish myself as well.

But this is not the real for of self-destruction I question. No, the real one is much worse. Self-sabotage. As explained in Wikipedia:

Self-destructive behavior may be used as a coping mechanism, when things get 'too much'. For example, faced with a pressing scholastic assessment, someone may choose to sabotage their work rather than cope with the stress. This would make submission of (or passing) the assessment impossible, but remove the worry associated with it.

The thing is that I tend to sabotage my own success, my own progress. Am I afraid to fail, or is it fear to succeed? I have always wanted to ask this to a psychologist or psychiatrist. Maybe they could help me understand it and get over this weird feeling/state I'm in and I don't want a part of.

For example: procrastination, possibly my worst form of self-destruction. I will look for any excuse to stray away from what I know I should do --- like right now, I'm writing this post instead of working on my script, even when I have it next to me. (In all fairness I have been working on it straight for about two hours, and even though my mom denies it, I feel like I have a bit of ADD. And why not, she, my kid brother and my uncle all have it, why can't I?).

Well, gotta go to the restroom now, and back to the script... which I feel is coming along nicely. Not a classic by any means, but not to shabby for a first feature.

Love the snow!...

I went snowboarding yesterday at Big Bear Mountain and even though the day didn't start of well (i was involved in a 3 car accident - icy roads are a bitch) I had a blast on the mountain. Big Bear is essentially a snowboard park filled with great jumps, boxes, rails, two half pipes and other things that are extremely fun to ride.

I also performed much better than I expected on the rides and only have a soar right wrist now (I'm getting a pair of wrist guards before I go again, man does it hurt, but it was worth it). So I'm feeling fantastic and can't wait to hit the snow again - I just hope I don't hit a car next time...