Catch a lost one...

Sometimes I feel like I wanna catch a lost bullet to the head. Just end it right there. No decisions, no apologies, no time to question or think about anything. It just to happen very much as one flips a switch and the light turns off.

Just make it randomly, quickly, painlessly and thoughtlessly. So that it is not my fault but fate alone.

I will never understand women!

I swear to God, I will never ever understand women. I met this gorgeous redhead about ten days ago at a bar in downtown. Beautiful, great attitude and energy, interesting sexy... a real catch. We went out twice after that, once I invited her to dinner and once she invited me to a concert -The Hotel Cafe Tour- I loved it. This was last Sunday, two days ago.

Today, on Tuesday, I took her to one of the best concerts of my life. Eddie Vedder solo in San Diego. The concert was amazing but all of a sudden, after two great dates including one where we made out extremely sweetly in her couch, now she gives me the cold shoulder.

I just don't get it. I thought it was all going so great, that I had met this wonderful new woman that I'd be proud to have around but... she got bored the third time around during the best concert I could take her to?

I just don't get women. I know she won't want to go out again, I just don't get why, and me, with my curious nature, am dying to know.

In the words of Freddy Mercury "The Show Must Go On".

Feeling 50/50

When I say 50/50 it's because I have split my life into two parts: the professional and the personal. I am still looking for a job and that is proving very hard to find. The personal, well, last week I met a beautiful redhead with interesting green/gray eyes. Not only is she beautiful, she is sweet, caring and affectionate.

We have yet to see where this goes, if anywhere at all (I hope it does), but I can say one thing, she's a hell of a kisser.

She invited me tonight to a concert, a fantastic concert presented by KCRW called The Hotel Cafe Tour. It was us two and her best friend. We had a good time and I learned about all these great artists I had never even heard of.

Also, in two days, I'm taking her to a concert, Eddie Vedder solo in concert in San Diego. Looking forward to it.

Kicked in the balls... while I'm down

So it's her birthday today, and I debate on whether or not I should call her. I kept telling myself I wouldn't, for days I debated the issue with myself. Then I call my best friend to ask for his advice. I wish I hadn't.

Called her up... her life is perfect while mine's shit. Emotionally at least.

She got into Columbia and USC, and even got her scholarship at USC but that won't make her come. I feel like she spat in my face and didn't even care about it.

Sometimes I feel suicidal... like today.

I don't think I'd ever do it, but I constantly think about it, just ending it. Then I think of my mother and how I'd devastate her. I sometimes think my mother is the only reason I'm still alive. She better not go before me or my reasons will grow thin quick.